I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog is autobiographical in nature. It contains MY entire Autobiography in the form of several chapters and other articles. This blog is all about ME finding and using my voice, speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will not be silenced anymore. The butterfly has become very symbolic to me on my healing journey as I've tentatively begun to leave the ugly past behind and become the beautiful woman God always intended me to be!

Sunday, 12 December 2010

I AM AN ORPHAN TO ABUSE

“It would be easier to tell people my parents are dead. Orphans get sympathy; I get judgment. When I tell people that I don’t have any contact with my mother or father, it’s usually the same response: Oh, well, OH! Some of them move on to safer topics but a few of them inquire in hushed tones, “Why not? What happened?”  

These are the opening words to an incredible article on Overcoming Sexual Abuse’s Blog at  http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/12/12/my-parents-are-dead-to-me/

As I read the article I felt someone was writing my story. It’s an amazing feeling when you read something someone else wrote and everything in it resonates with you. It’s as if someone got inside your head somehow. It’s also extremely comforting to know there are people ‘out there’ who’ve experienced similar things to you. That helps ease the sense of isolation which comes with surviving incestual abuse.

The awkward questions that tend to crop up about family are why I avoid church and most social situations. In tackling those questions down the years I’ve said things like “I have no family, I have no contact with my parents, I’m alone in this world, I have no family or relatives”.

99.999999% of responses to me have been a look of pity and a “what happened? What did YOU do? Do YOU not want any contact with them? Surely you have someone, no one has nobody? Have YOU done all YOU can do to seek reconciliation?” 

I heard assumptions that I must be bitter, angry and unforgiving to have and want nothing to do with them. As I heard all that I’d sigh inside and find myself defending my position and actions as if I’d done something wrong. 

I’d say something along the lines of “oh I was abused by my entire family and then disowned when I was of no further use to them”. 

Again 99.999999% of responses to me have invariably been “have you forgiven them? It is not good that someone should be alone, you should forgive and seek reconciliation”.

Many times over the years I’ve tried to explain further but ended up in so many arguments. 

Nobody seemed to get what I was saying. No one seemed to get that crimes were committed against me. WHY? One reason and one reason alone - I’m talking about family. 

It’s as if “the family” is a “sacred cow” which must be maintained and defended at any cost regardless of the facts.

There is so much lack of understanding and awareness of the dynamics and devastation the incest and child abuse do to people, especially in Christian circles. All I’ve met with is naivety and simplistic solutions which help no one and caused me so much confusion, frustration and isolation. 

You should do everything to be reconciled to your parents because they are your parents is such a false belief system which places guilt and blame upon the shoulders of the survivor. “It doesn’t matter what they did, after all they are your parents” is the mantra. 

My own parents beat me and as they beat me they said over and over “you will honour your parents because the bible tells you to.” Then Christians beat me over the head with the commandment “honour your parents” and added a “regardless of what they did to you honour them because they are your parents, forgive and forget, you only ever have one lot of parents.”

Hey, let’s turn that on its head. I would never have had any of those responses had my abusers been from outside the family. Why is it that when it is family suddenly it’s a different set of rules? Come on folks they’re still child abusers, child torturers, child rapists, child murderers – regardless of who they are, regardless of their being related to me. They are criminals who destroyed my life by their crimes. There is no other way to describe them.

BUT I’ve yet to hear any of these people say my parents were wrong to abuse me - wrong to disown me - wrong to deny they have a daughter - wrong to deny my very existence – because I am their daughter no matter what I did or what I was like. OH NO, it’s all about ME and MY response to what they did to ME and it’s MY fault I have no relationship with my parents because I won’t work towards reconciliation with them.

Come on, let’s get real. Let’s recall the facts. My parents, my entire family, abused me, beat me to a pulp, left me for dead and disowned me. Those are the facts. That is the truth of the situation.

No-one has ever challenged them about their behaviour. No one seems to have the guts. Everyone seems afraid to say anything out of fear of being sued for defamation of character.  

So my parents are still free to walk in and out of church every Sunday without challenge. This maintains their facade created over many years of being “respectable Christian people” when the truth is far different. Even when challenged by the legal consequences of their behaviour they continued to lie and deny anything was ever wrong and as a result remain at large in the community when they should be rotting in jail with the key thrown away.

Honour your parents” was not written with child abuse in mind. It was written in the context of having loving parents who loved, accepted, guided and supported their child. That commandment was not written for children who were abused. The commandment was not written to tell victims of terrible abuse to honour people who only did and said dishonourable things and to whom no honour is due, only shame.

Let’s get real.
 
How can you reconcile with people who have never admitted and never will admit anything was ever wrong with the family “system”? How can you reconcile with people to whom abuse and lies are “normal” behaviour? Let’s be honest – do you want anything to do with people like that? I guess NO is the answer. 

So why should I just because they’re my parents, my family. It’s sheer craziness.

The mantra about “family being family no matter what” is really total garbage. 

I refuse to be reconciled to people who tortured me to within an inch of my life many times. I refuse to be reconciled to people treated me like a piece of meat. I refuse to be reconciled to people who gave me the esteem of a turd or a speck of dirt. I refuse to be reconciled to people who abused me, left me for dead and disowned me when I was of no further use to them. I refuse to be reconciled to people who blame me for everything that happened. I refuse to be reconciled to people who live in a state of defiance, lies and denial of the truth. I refuse to be reconciled to people who do not even recognise or accept me to be their daughter. I refuse to be reconciled to people who committed terrible crimes against my body, mind, spirit, emotions, sexuality, identity, against ME. I refuse to be reconciled to people who would still behave that way towards me if I let them. 

In fact I refuse to have anything to do with them.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who has not got the guts to face up to the facts and consequences of their actions. I don’t care who they are. Let’s be honest, I would not be writing this if my abusers were not my family, my parents.

Seriously, would you, in all honesty, want anything to do with them? So why should I?

“The family” is not a sacred cow that should be maintained at any cost. When “the family” has been a toxic, destructive, abusive, manipulative, controlling environment there is no reason, however compelling to sustain that system.
 
My family, my parents passed on only negative stuff, destruction and misery to me. 

There is nothing to honour in that. 

In fact I honoured them when I stopped being the “dutiful daughter”, spoke out the truth and had them confronted with the consequences of their actions. They had a choice to do the right thing – confess and face the consequences. But instead they chose to defy, deny and lie and are now free to go on with their lives as if nothing happened. That was their choice to make. The choice they made was totally dishonourable. 

There is no honour in their actions. There is nothing to honour there. I heard their response loud and clear and I realised that I am an orphan. I do not have loving parents or loving family, and I never will do. Nor will my parents ever admit anything was wrong.

The truth is I am an orphan - not through the physical death of my parents –but because of abuse. I am an orphan of abuse. I am an orphan because of incest. I am an orphan because my family rejected and disowned me. 

The truth is I did nothing to deserve that.

The only thing I can do is do all I can to heal from the trauma, damage and dysfunction in my life and stop it from destroying the rest of my life.

4 comments:

shimon said...

those non-religous, hyprocrites abused religion as much as they abused you. Thank heaven you are one tough cookie! good for you! You will get your revenge on them by doing right everything they did wrong- living well is, in fact, the best revenge.

Princess Fi said...

Hi Shimon, thanks for popping by and commenting.

Yes indeed living well is the best revenge, this past year has been about starting to speak out the truth, in so doing I've begun to live not just exist.

Now I'm beginning to do the work of healing there will be a day somewhere in the future, where I realise they no longer have an affect upon my life, I'm free of them and the effects of the abuse and I'm living and living well! And it'll take as long as it takes to get there.

But one day I'll be able to say only part of my life was destroyed by them, not all of it!!

Anonymous said...

My siblings decided for me that it would be in my best interest to confront when I begged them not to. I was in my third year finals in College and going through divorce, wrong timing, but they went ahead anyway. They walked away from the meeting and informed me I was off the will. They were threatened they'd be next if they didn't knock it off. That was 20 years ago and they have been their evil little minions since. After our parents died they had the chance to make things right, but they instead stated they were by honoring the will. I let them know how evil they were and haven't spoken to any of them and don't plan to. They seek out relatives to convince I am the tyrant and give them their twisted version of events. I walked into a lions den trusting a cousin I had no reason not to until I arrived there. She promised protection and then turns around and brings me to the church my sister's attend saying oh by the way. I told her I would've preferred an option. TG they weren't there. Then before I was headed back on the train she informed me it was my fault,I needed to grow up. I blocked her emails and changed my phone to private. It set me back for months. Today another cousin used the ploy she is putting together a family tree with my sister and wanted to know if I knew anything. I said no and waited to see where it was going. After not getting anywhere she said well your Uncle has done a lot of research, I thought why do you need me then? For one it isn't even her side of the family, my Mom's side, but my Dad's. I know she was just fishing. My sister I am sure gave her the boo hoo story she did with my other cousin. She has always thrived on sympathy all her life. I am sure my sister filled her in and told her she lost me too. Like I told my other cousin
BS, they threw me away! But no matter, I know what they are made of. Like my parents they are skilled at denial and will hold strong to their story and create all the hater's they can for me. I've come to expect at least once a year the shit bubbles and passes, but it is no longer life altering but is annoying for a little while. I get over it quick and move on. I lost far too much time with their aggravation. I have my nose forward and that is the only direction I am going in spite of the bumps in the road they try to throw down. I like what one article said. We usually end up the healthier ones because we shed the demonic possession because we get real, that their resentment comes from knowing you are free and they are still stuck. in it. So glad to find groups that are in the same boat, it kept me from going off the deep end completely and it was too heavy for my husband to bear all the time. Overcoming Sexual Abuse sight has been a Godsend.

Princess Fi said...

Hi Anonymous, thanks for feeling free and safe enough to share your experience, I wish you well in your onward healing journey! Thanks for commenting!